


Breaking Point

by Jenstar701



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:33:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25399219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenstar701/pseuds/Jenstar701
Summary: Janeway struggles with the emotional aftermath of the Equinox encounter.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31





	1. 1

The following takes place sometime in season 6, after Barge of the Dead.

The lights flickered above her head, momentarily illuminating the dark corridor. Her heart was hammering in her chest and all she could hear was her own ragged breathing. Slowly she crept forward in the darkness, trying to avoid the debris littered on the floor. A shower of sparks made her whip around, phaser grasped in her trembling hands. Then she heard it; the faint screeching that filled every fibre of her being with dread. She turned on her heel and started running down the corridor as fast as she could. But the screeching was catching her, coming closer and closer...

‘You can’t escape...’

The rasping voice in her ear caused her to cry out in shock, and she staggered backwards against the bulkhead. 

‘You can run, but you’ll never escape.’

The screeching was becoming uncomfortably loud and she covered her ears with her hands, sinking to the floor. The ship began to shake and she looked up in horror as a spacial rift opened and the alien shot out straight towards her. She screamed and screamed and......

Kathryn Janeway sat bolt upright in bed, breathless and covered in sweat. She let her eyes slip closed as she tried to calm herself. She knew she had been screaming from the soreness of her throat and she thumped the bed in despair. 

‘Computer, lights.’

She made her way slowly to the bathroom and washed her face in cool water. She looked in the mirror and gazed at the pale, drawn face that was staring back at her. For months now she’d been having this nightmare, ever since the Equinox had turned her life upside down. The nightmare was always the same; she was trapped on Voyager alone with the aliens hunting her and now and again Ransom’s voice would whisper disturbing nothings into her ears as she fled.

The door chime sounded, shaking her from her dark thoughts. It was the middle of the night and she was hardly in any state to see anyone, so she ignored it, instead walking over to her replicator to order a coffee. She knew from experience there was no point her trying to sleep now.

As she picked up the steaming mug the doors to her quarters slid open causing her to almost drop her drink in surprise.

‘Captain?’

Kathryn stepped towards the door, squinting in the light from the corridor.

‘Are you alright Chakotay?’ she asked concerned. The doors swished shut behind her first officer leaving them in darkness. ‘Computer, half illumination.’

‘I thought I heard screaming, and I just came to see if...’ Chakotay’s voice trailed off as he took in Kathryn’s appearance. She was wearing a white cotton nightgown that just about reached her knees, exposing her legs and arms which were covered in bruises. Her face was ghostly white and her eyes were red and surrounded by dark shadows. Her usually beautifully kept hair was a tangled mess.

‘Chakotay?’ prompted Kathryn moving closer to him.

He reached out and gently grasped her arm, turning it slightly to reveal the full extent of an ugly blue/grey bruise.

‘What the hell happened to you?’ he asked softly, lifting his eyes to meet hers.

Immediately Kathryn pulled away, suddenly aware of her dishevelled appearance. 

‘Nothing, I’m fine.’

Chakotay stepped forward, his expression one of disbelief. ‘You’re fine? Have you seen yourself Kathryn?’

She swallowed hard and glanced down at her bruises. 

‘I...I’ve been having nightmares and I keep falling out of bed.’ She explained almost inaudibly. 

‘It was you screaming?’ asked Chakotay, his concern deepening. Kathryn nodded and sat down heavily on the sofa.

‘Have you talked to the doctor, I’m sure he could give you something-’

‘No, I don’t want anything,’ interrupted Kathryn abruptly. Chakotay stared at her knowing it was almost impossible to get Kathryn to talk when she didn’t want to. 

‘What are you having nightmares about?’ he asked tentatively.

Kathryn sighed and rubbed her forehead tiredly. Maybe talking to Chakotay would help and she didn’t know how much longer she should take the sleepless nights.

‘I keep dreaming about the Equinox aliens,’ she began quietly. ‘I’m trapped on Voyager and I can’t escape, and I run and run but they always catch me.’

‘Hence the screaming.’

Kathryn looked up and smiled wanly. ‘Yeah, hence the screaming.’

‘It doesn’t surprise me that you’re having bad dreams about the Equinox,’ began Chakotay softly. ‘What you did to Lessing will take a while to get over.’

Kathryn felt her expression harden. ‘I don’t think this is about Lessing, I think it’s about Ransom and being captain and... surviving.’

Chakotay nodded slowly. ‘I guess part of it could be that, but what you did to Lessing was terrible Kathryn and I don’t think you’ve dealt with it.’

‘It’s not about Lessing,’ insisted Kathryn, standing up and beginning to pace. ‘It’s about trying to keep myself together and... and feeling trapped-’

‘Like Lessing was when you shut him in the cargo bay and let the aliens loose on him?’

Kathryn looked at Chakotay in stunned silence. After a moment she found her voice.

‘You never tried to understand why I did that.’ She told him, her voice full of emotion. 

Chakotay stood up and looked her in the eye. ‘I find it hard to even think about that day,’ he told her sadly. ‘I never thought you could..... would act in such a way.’

Kathryn swallowed the lump building in her throat. ‘Chakotay, please-'

‘I understand how you bury things inside of you and hope they go away.' continued Chakotay earnestly. 'But this won’t. You almost killed a man and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen.’

Kathryn stared at him, biting her lip to stop herself breaking down. He didn’t get it. The man she always turned to when she needed comfort and support and understanding just didn’t understand, and it was breaking her heart.

‘Good night Commander,’ she said softly before turning and disappearing back into her bedroom. After a moment she heard Chakotay leave and she glanced at the photograph of him and her on her dresser. They were dressed in Hawaiian outfits and were wearing matching grins.

‘I’m sorry Chakotay,’ she whispered into the darkness. ‘I’m so sorry.’


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later:

‘Tuvok, return fire!’ shouted Janeway over the sound of weapons fire and explosions. Another unknown species, another battle for survival. Two alien ships had dropped out of warp and started firing on Voyager; no hail, no warning. 

Another alien torpedo sliced through Voyager’s shields.

‘Hull breach on decks 12 and 13,’ reported Kim, coughing on smoke rising from a shorted console.

‘Evasive manoeuvres Tom,’ ordered Janeway moving to stand behind Tom’s chair. Paris sent the ship into a series of complex rolls and turns momentarily evading the alien onslaught. 

But the pursuing ships soon caught Voyager, and Kathryn found herself being harshly flung on the deck. Winded, Kathryn gasped for breath before attempting to get to her feet. Suddenly the ceiling of the bridge seemed to explode as a conduit in the ceiling ruptured. Shards of metal flew everywhere. After a moment everything went quiet.

‘The ships have moved off captain,’ Tuvok informed Janeway.

Dazed, Kathryn shook her head, still lying on the floor.

‘Is everyone ok?’ she asked in a strained voice. One by one the bridge crew replied through the smoke. Kathryn sighed in relief and went to push herself up. As she did so an intense pain shot through her abdomen and she heard herself cry out.

‘Captain?’ Tom Paris was by her side in a second. Kathryn was staring at her hand that she had placed on her stomach; it was covered in blood. Her head began to swim as she realised there was blood all over the deck where she had been lying.

‘Oh god,’ she heard Tom say, ‘She’s got a massive wound to her stomach, she’s bleeding everywhere!’

‘Harry, transporters?’

Janeway felt herself de and then rematerialise, before she slipped into darkness.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

The first thing she was aware of was the dull ache in her middle. Kathryn slowly opened her eyes to see the Doctor running a medical tricorder over her.

‘Captain,’ he smiled, though she wondered if she imagined the strain around his holographic eyes. ‘You gave us a bit of a fright there for a minute.’

‘Sorry,’ she croaked, then winced as a shooting pain shot through her middle.

‘No sudden movements,’ ordered the Doctor gently. ‘I had to perform extensive surgery...’

Kathryn glanced up at the EMH as his voice trailed off. He was never usually lost for words and all of a sudden she had a sense of foreboding.

‘Doctor what is it?’ she asked trying to keep fear out of her voice. ‘Did we lose people?’

A smile flitted across the Doctor’s face. ‘No captain, you were our most serious injury.’

Kathryn pushed herself up onto her elbows and the Doctor arranged a pillow behind her so she could sit up. She knew he was concealing something and it scared the hell out of her.

‘I am going to be ok?’ she prodded.

‘Yes, yes you’ll make a full recovery.’ The EMH looked away for a second then met her eyes. ‘I’m sorry captain but your internal bleeding was extensive and there was severe damage....I had to perform a hysterectomy.’ 

Kathryn stared at him. ‘A hysterectomy.’ She repeated quietly.

‘In order to save your life, I had no other choice. If we had been anywhere near Starfleet medical.... when we get home there may be options -’

‘Doctor,’ interrupted Kathryn softly. ‘It’s fine, I had kind of come to terms with the fact I would never have children. I mean it’s not like I’m in any position at the moment to have a child and, as Q once kindly pointed out, I’m not getting any younger.’

The EMH furrowed his brow in concern. ‘Captain you still had many child bearing years ahead of you, I can’t believe you can accept this so quickly.’

Swallowing hard, Kathryn looked down at her hands. ‘There are a lot of things I’ve had to accept in my life, this is just one more.’ She smiled wanly at him. ‘I’m fine doctor, when can I leave?’

‘You are free to go as long as you promise to go straight to your quarters and stay there for 24 hours.’ replied the Doctor hesitantly. ‘You’ll be sore for a couple of weeks and you should avoid heavy lifting.’ Even as he spoke Kathryn was carefully sliding off the biobed.

‘Thank you Doctor.’ She said with a small smile as she headed for the door.

‘Captain, I really think you should take some time to-’

‘I’m fine Doctor,’ replied Kathryn firmly, but the fleeting sadness in her eyes betrayed her before the sickbay doors closed leaving the Doctor alone with his thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

Five days later:

‘We should never have come in the first place!’

Of course we should, we had to, our supplies were so low – ‘

‘We needed time to properly repair the engines after that fight with – ‘

‘But now we have more damage than we did than when we got here!’

‘There’s no way we could have known that -’

‘The scan showed unidentified formations, we should have been more cautious!’

‘No, we - ’

‘Yes! We should have learned by now that – ‘

‘Well if you hadn’t disobeyed orders-’

‘The captain knows why I did that and it wouldn’t have made any difference!’

‘That’s you opinion!’

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat silently at the head of the briefing room table as her senior officers argued loudly about the last disastrous away mission. She hadn’t slept in over 48 hours and her head was pounding. Voyager had been dangerously low on supplies and crippled by the unprovoked attack by an unknown vessel six days ago. When Harry had detected an apparently uninhabited M class planet Janeway had immediately ordered a course change. Scans had been inconclusive due to strange mineral deposits but Voyager was becoming desperate for supplies and so Janeway ordered away teams to collect supplies whilst B’Elanna worked to repair the engines. Everything was fine until one of the away teams was attacked and it became apparent that there were people living on this planet. No one was badly injured thankfully but Chakotay who was co-ordinating the away teams delayed returning to Voyager, directly challenging Janeway’s orders to beam back immediately. Although his actions meant Voyager’s food supplies had been replenished it had also give the aliens chance to launch vessels from the surface and had given Voyager yet another beating. 

Janeway sighed softly.

‘I think we all need to-’ she began, but her officers were so absorbed in their arguing that they didn’t even realise she had spoken. Anger rose in her throat. There was no point arguing or placing blame and what was all this ‘we’ business? She was the captain, she made the decisions. Well, she tried but then if even her first officer didn’t feel the need to obey orders…

‘I think we should reconsider our policies for deciding which planets we-’

‘You have an opinion on everything don’t you?’

‘Oh, you can talk!’

‘Well if the Commander hadn’t decided to be an idiot-’

‘Hey! That’s enough Lieutenant!’

‘Oh come on, it’s what everyone is thinking!’

‘Speak for yourself….’ Tom Paris paused suddenly glancing across the room. ‘Erm, where did the captain go?’

Everyone turned to look at Janeway’s empty seat, the room suddenly fell silent.

Torres snorted shaking her head. ‘She’d probably had enough of us bickering like children.’

Harry Kim nodded guiltily. ‘She’s been on duty for two days and never went to get her head checked by the doctor. She must be exhausted.’

‘The captain hurt her head?’ asked Chakotay concerned.

‘She fell and smacked it against my console when the ships from the planet attacked.’ explained Tom. ‘She was dazed for a moment but said she was fine.’

‘There did not seem to be any indication of serious head trauma,’ added Tuvok looking slightly uncomfortable at having become involved in a petty argument.

Chakotay nodded. ‘I think we all need to relax a bit here and just be glad we’re still alive.’

‘Why did you have to disobey the captain?’ said B’Elanna quietly, not looking at Chakotay.

Chakotay swallowed slightly ashamed now of what had seemed to be a good idea at the time. ‘I felt that the captain was being overly cautious and that we may not get such a good chance to restock for a long time. I had no idea that Voyager would suffer because of my decision,’ he replied finally.

The room fell silent again. Janeway’s unexplained absence was making them all uncomfortable.

‘Ok, I think that’s all for now,’ sighed Chakotay. ‘I suggest those of you who are off duty go and get some rest. Dismissed.’

Voyager’s commander watched as the officers wearily trailed out of the room.

‘Computer, locate Captain Janeway.’

‘Captain Janeway is in sickbay.’

Chakotay frowned. Maybe she hadn’t been feeling well after all. Pushing himself up from his chair he decided to go and find out.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Kathryn Janeway walked unsteadily towards the doctor’s office. The pain in her head had been gradually increasing since she had hit it and now her vision was starting to blur.

‘Doctor?’ she called, swallowing a wave of nausea.

The EMH cheerfully strode out into the main area of sickbay.

‘Captain, what can I-’

Janeway stumbled and the Doctor deftly caught her before she hit the deck. He guided her to the nearest bed and she sat down heavily.

‘What happened?’ asked the EMH beginning to scan Janeway.

‘I hit my head,’ mumbled Janeway vaguely thinking that lying down would probably be a good option about now.

‘Captain, this injury is several hours old!’ exclaimed the Doctor. ‘You have a fractured skull and some swelling of the cerebellum, you are still recovering from major surgery, and you didn’t think to come to sickbay immediately?’

‘I was kind of busy!’ snapped Janeway. ‘Trying to save this ship and keep control of my damn senior officers!’

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at this uncharacteristic outburst. 

‘Sorry Doctor,’ apologized Janeway softly. ‘It’s just been a very long day.’

Indeed, thought the Doctor as his scans showed Janeway was physically exhausted and mildly anaemic to add to her head injuries, although at least her surgical scars were healing well. As for her state of mind....

The doors to sickbay opened and Chakotay entered and walked straight over to his captain’s side.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked slightly guiltily.

Janeway lifted her head and glared at her first officer. ‘Noticed I’d gone then?’

Chakotay hesitated at his captain’s angry tone. ‘I’m sorry I disobeyed your order but I thought we could complete the mission without any risks.’

‘That’s all right then is it?’ said Janeway coldly, noticing that her hands were trembling.

‘Kathryn, please let me-’

‘No Chakotay, you can’t just apologize and expect everything to be ok,’ replied Janeway angrily. ‘I sat in that briefing room and listened to how all my senior officers think this ship should be run. Well I’m sorry, but I’m the captain and I make the decisions, that is how a command structure works. But how can I expect anyone to listen to anything I say if my first officer has a blatant disregard for my orders?’

Chakotay gaped; stunned at the anger Kathryn was showing.

‘Captain,’ began Doctor in concern.

‘I don’t need this!’ Janeway shouted. ‘Is this some kind of way to get back at me for Lessing? I need to know you support me because otherwise what the hell is the point Chakotay?’ Janeway clenched her fists to try and stop her hands shaking.

‘Captain!’ continued the Doctor urgently.

‘I know,’ replied Janeway almost inaudibly as her eyes rolled she slumped backwards onto the biobed

‘Doctor!’ cried Chakotay in horror, grasping Kathryn’s arms.

‘She has severe head injuries’ explained the Doctor. ‘But I can treat them and she will make a full recovery. Again.’

Chakotay nodded as he observed Janeway’s pale face and the dark circles under her eyes.

‘The captain seemed very agitated,’ continued the Doctor. ‘And she hasn’t slept or eaten properly for days.’

Although the Doctor’s voice had a neutral tone there was still a hint of accusation in his voice that made Chakotay uncomfortable.

‘It’s been a tough week,’ said Chakotay simply. ‘Keep me informed, I’ll be back later.’


	4. Chapter 4

Two days later and Kathryn settled into her command chair with a heavy sigh. Repairs were going well and although she herself was exhausted, Kathryn was relieved to note that the crew seemed to be fairing alright. Glancing briefly to her left Kathryn stole a look at her first officer bent over a padd. She had barely spoken to him since she had lost consciousness in sickbay and found that even though she was still angry she missed his smile and his light hearted conversation. 

‘Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway.’

The ex-borg’s voice interrupted Janeway’s musings.

‘If I am correct captain it is your turn for a communication with Earth today.’

Janeway felt her mouth drop open slightly; she had completely forgotten.

‘Of course,’ she recovered quickly, leaping out of her chair. ‘I’ll be right there Seven. The bridge is yours, commander.’

She felt Chakotay’s eyes on her as she exited the bridge but didn’t look back.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

When she entered astrometrics Seven turned and raised an eyebrow.

‘There is just one minute until the communication window opens, captain,’ said Seven, as if to chastise Janeway for cutting it so close.

‘Thanks Seven, you can go.’

‘But I have work-’

Janeway turned to Seven and placed both her hands on the younger woman’s shoulders.

‘Work can wait, I would like some privacy.’ She said gently but firmly. Seven stared for a moment, but then nodded and left.

Kathryn turned back to the console and typed a few commands. The screen jumped to life with static and as Kathryn’s fingers danced expertly over the console the picture became clearer until the face of a man was perfectly in focus.

‘Hello Kath.’

Kathryn immediately felt a lump form in her throat.

‘Hello Mark.’

Mark smiled nervously. ‘God, you look incredible.’

Kathryn felt a smile pull at her own lips. ‘Thanks. You too.’

Mark’s smile faded slightly as he stared into his ex-fiancée’s eyes. ‘I…I’m so so sorry Kath,’ he began softly. ‘If I’d known you were alive – if you knew how hard it was to lose you…’

Kathryn felt tears rapidly welling in her eyes. ‘I expect it was about as hard as losing you,’ she replied, her voice trembling.

Mark lowered his head for a moment, something Kathryn knew he did when he was upset.  
‘I’ll always love you, you know that right?’ he said eventually. Kathryn nodded and bit her lip to suppress the sob threatening to escape.

‘I know.’ She whispered in response. Her chin trembled as she gazed at the screen. ‘Oh I’ve missed you Mark Johnson!’ she exclaimed with a tearful laugh.

Mark smiled back affectionately. ‘I hope you’re looking after yourself.’ He said sternly with a half grin.

Kathryn shook her head with a wry smile. ‘I try.’

Suddenly serious Mark studied Kathryn’s face. ‘I hope you’re happy Kath,’ he said earnestly. ‘I hope that crew appreciates you and loves you like you deserve to be loved.’

‘They’re a great crew,’ replied Kathryn trying to keep her tone light.

‘That’s not what I asked.’ Said Mark intently. ‘Are you happy?’

Kathryn felt her gaze drop. Was she happy? Really? 

‘I don’t know,’ she replied lifting her head. ‘It’s just…..just really tough sometimes, to keep up this front-’ He voice cracked as a tear escaped down her cheek. ‘Especially when the crew need me to be strong and I just feel so tired….’ She gazed at Mark through her tears and saw tears in his eyes as well.

‘Oh Kath,’ he said softly. A small cry in the background caused Mark to turn round slightly, then turn back to Kathryn with a grin. ‘I think someone wants to say hello!’

Kathryn felt her chest clench painfully as Mark disappeared momentarily before returning with his baby son in his arms.

‘Kevin, say hello to your Aunty Kathryn,’ smiled Mark as he held the baby up for Kathryn to see.

‘He’s beautiful,’ Kathryn managed to choke out, strange emotions swirling in her stomach.

‘He is isn’t he?’ replied Mark gazing adoringly at the bundle in his arms, and Kathryn felt herself smile at his expression. God she missed him.

Suddenly the deck disappeared beneath Kathryn as Voyager lurched sideways. Jumping back to her feet Kathryn turned to the worried face on the screen.

‘I have to go, I think we’re under attack,’ she explained hurriedly.

Mark nodded hurriedly. ‘Yes, go!’

‘Speak soon.’ she said simply, before cutting the transmission and heading to the bridge.

………………………………………………………………………………………

‘Evasive manoeuvres!’ yelled Janeway trying desperately to be heard above the groaning of bulkheads and the weapons fire pounding the hull.

With one final shudder Voyager was still. Kathryn stood in the centre of the bridge, her hands shaking and her heart thumping in her chest. That had been too close.

‘Doctor to bridge.’

Kathryn closed her eyes briefly trying to mentally prepare herself for the Doctor’s injury report.

‘Go ahead.’

‘I’m sorry to have to inform you that we lost crewman Doyle and Ensign Rose captain.’

She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t look at her crew, she just stood. For a minute all Janeway could do was fight to keep her command mask from slipping off completely.

‘Captain,’ said Chakotay eventually moving to her shoulder.

‘Resume course Mr Paris’ Janeway ordered dejectedly. ‘Full impulse.’ The warp drive was offline and Janeway knew B’Elanna was probably swamped.

‘I’ll be in engineering,’ she informed Chakotay who nodded. She could see the concern in his face, but she ignored it. If she let any emotion in at the moment, she feared it would overwhelm her.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

‘Try it now.’

‘The pressure’s too high, it’s not working!’

Janeway ducked as a hyperspanner flew past her right ear.

‘B’Elanna, what’s going on?’ she shouted to be heard above the wailing alarm.

Torres whipped her head around at the captain’s voice.

‘We need to decrease pressure or we’re gonna breach!’

Janeway shoved the scared looking crewman at the nearest console out of the way and her hands began to dance expertly over the controls.

‘Where is everyone?’ yelled Janeway, glancing around at the skeleton crew manning engineering.

‘We had a lot of injuries,’ shouted back B’Elanna, and Janeway suddenly remembered the Doctor’s devastating news. Both the crew members killed had been engineering staff.

The siren suddenly stopped leaving an eerie silence.

‘What did you do?’ B’Elanna demanded of Janeway in surprise.

‘I didn't do any-’

A flash of light cut Janeway off as the console behind her and B’Elanna exploded outwards in spectacular fashion sending both women flying. Kathryn landed hard and her head bounced off the floor. She gingerly lifted her head and found she had blood pouring down her face from a gash on her forehead. B’Elanna was also gingerly sitting up, blood oozing from a wound in her thigh from a flying fragment of console. Kathryn gripped the nearest console and hauled herself to her feet with a great effort. As she did so a searing pain shot through her stomach.

‘You ok?’ asked Torres carefully standing and reaching out to steady Janeway as she swayed on her feet.

‘Just a little dazed,’ replied Kathryn tentatively, the pain in her stomach subsiding. She had a feeling she’d just undone some of the Doctor’s work from when he’d operated on her the previous week.

Torres quickly checked the power readings on the nearest console.

'Well whatever caused that explosion did some damage, but it seems to have calmed everything down, though I doubt we'll have warp for a while.'

Janeway sighed heavily. 'One day we'll catch a break.'

‘Sickbay?’ suggested B’Elanna, indicting to her mangled leg. Kathryn managed a smile.

‘I think that’s probably a good idea.’ she agreed. They left engineering supporting each other.

..................

‘Deck four’.

The turbolift began to move and Janeway leaned back against the wall for support.

‘The doctor’s gonna kill me,’ groaned B’Elanna, wincing as she examined her leg.

‘I think I’ll be first in line,’ admitted Kathryn with a half-smile. ‘Major surgery twice in week.’

Torres raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, ok you win, but-’

Her sentence was cut off as the lift stopped dead suddenly, throwing both women to the floor.

‘You have got to be kidding me!’ exclaimed B’Elanna in frustration.

Kathryn pushed herself off the floor carefully, trying to ignore the pain from her various injuries.

‘Janeway to bridge, report!’

‘Sorry captain, a major power relay just blew,’ came Harry’s apologetic reply. ‘Turbolifts and transporters are down and we have minimal power to the lower decks.’

‘How quickly can you restore power to the turbolifts?’ asked Kathryn wiping blood out of her eye with disgust.

‘It’ll take a while captain, if Lieutenant Torres could help me-’

‘She’s stuck in a turbolift with me, Harry,’ sighed Kathryn sharing a glance with B’Elanna. ‘Keep us informed, Janeway out.’

B’Elanna glanced up at the hatch in the lift ceiling. ‘As much as I’d love to climb the hell out of here I don’t think I’d get far.’

Kathryn looked at B’Elanna’s leg with concern. The wound was long and deep and was bleeding profusely. She wasn’t feeling all that great herself with the pain in her lower abdomen adding to the massive headache and overall drowsiness that probably indicated a concussion. With a sigh, she sat back down on the floor and leaned back against the wall letting her eyes close briefly.

‘You ok captain?’ asked B’Elanna concerned, as she too sat down on the carpet.

‘I’ve been better,’ admitted Kathryn forcing her eyes back open. ‘But I’ll be fine.’

B’Elanna felt herself smile at her captain’s words. Chakotay once told her that Janeway’s default response, however lousy she was feeling was ‘I’m fine’.

‘Something funny?’ asked Kathryn with a raised eyebrow.

‘Sorry captain, just something Chakotay said to me...about you not admitting when you’re hurt or ill or....’

Kathryn felt her expression harden for a second, then relaxed and laughed slightly.

‘I guess I’m not good at letting down my guard.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘Too many years playing captain 24/7.’

B’Elanna eyed her commanding officer with sympathy, not quite knowing how to respond. Deciding to change the subject, she suddenly remembered Tom mentioning the captain had talked to someone on earth the previous day.

‘I hear it was your turn for a call home,’ offered B’Elanna. ‘Who’d you call?’

The question caught Kathryn off guard, and she hesitated slightly too long before speaking.

‘I spoke to Mark, the man I was engaged to.’

B’Elanna cringed internally. ‘Sorry captain, I shouldn’t have asked-’

‘It’s fine,’ interrupted Kathryn with a wave of her hand. ‘It was really good to see him again, really...nice.’ She paused staring at her hands. ‘I had forgotten how much I loved him and missed him and....it was good to see that he’s happy.’

‘I’m sorry captain,’ said B’Elanna softly.

Kathryn looked up in surprise. ‘It’s ok B’Elanna, I said my goodbyes to Mark a long time ago.’

‘No I don’t mean...I just know how badly I acted when I first came aboard.’ explained B’Elanna guiltily. ‘I never thought about what you had lost and I just focussed all my anger on you. You lost so much and I lost nothing, in fact I gained so much!’

‘I gained a lot too,’ replied Kathryn softly, touched by the younger woman’s words.

‘Yeah but, don’t ever think about what you left behind?’ asked B’Elanna. As soon as the words left her lips she blushed. ‘Sorry captain, that was a bit personal, I didn’t mean to pry.’

Kathryn smiled kindly at her chief engineer. ‘Not at all.’ She thought for a moment then sighed loudly. ‘There are days when things are quiet on Voyager and I’m sitting alone in my quarters and I imagine what I would be doing if we hadn’t got stuck out here. I imagine what my wedding to Mark would have been like, where we might have lived, whether we would have started a family...’

Her voice trailed off as the same swirling sensation she had felt in her stomach when Mark had showed her his son reappeared.

‘But,’ continued Kathryn swallowing her emotions. ‘If I could change what happened to us I wouldn’t. Too many lives have been affected, for the better.’

B’Elanna stared at Kathryn with incredible respect for her strength and selflessness. She sat forward slightly, a thought playing in her mind.

‘Can I ask you something captain?’

‘Of course.’

‘Did you... I mean ...do you ever think about having children?’

Kathryn’s breath caught in her throat. Of all the things they could talk about, Torres wanted to talk about having kids.

‘I used to,’ replied Kathryn softly. ‘I would have liked children. Why do you ask?’

B’Elanna fidgeted with her sleeve. ‘It’s just, Tom really wants kids and I think I do too, but we don’t exactly live in a nursery!’

‘Naomi has done pretty well,’ offered Kathryn with a small smile. ‘B’Elanna, we could be out here a long time. If you two want to start a family then I’m sure everyone on board would be there to support you, including me.’

‘Thanks,’ said B’Elanna quietly. ‘But I’m just not sure I’d make very good mother.’

Kathryn furrowed her brow. ‘I think you’d make a wonderful mother,’ she told Torres sincerely. ‘What makes you think otherwise?’

‘The fact that my own relationship with my mother was terrible,’ began B’Elanna rapidly. ‘The fact that I can be impulsive and angry and short tempered.’ She met Kathryn’s eyes. ‘The fact that even you have had to put me in my place on a few occasions.’

Kathryn reached out and squeezed B’Elanna’s hand tightly. ‘You’re not the same woman who I met 6 years ago. It has been a pleasure to watch you become the woman you are today, and just because your relationship with your mother was strained it doesn’t mean your relationship with your child will be.’

Nodding B’Elanna looked at Kathryn with a strange expression. ‘You know when I was on the barge of the dead my mother appeared in a Starfleet uniform just before I woke up.’ She took a deep breath to compose herself. ‘When I saw you in sickbay I realised that you have done more for me and taught me more about myself then my mother ever did. I don’t usually go around hugging my senior officers, but I just did it on impulse.’

Kathryn laughed, with tears welling in her eyes. ‘That hug was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever had.’

B’Elanna grinned back. ‘I hope we get home soon captain, because you deserve that family you talked about. You’d make a fantastic mom.’

The smile on Kathryn’s face suddenly tightened, and the tears in her eyes now threatened to spill over for a different reason.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you captain,' B'Elanna added quickly.

Not quite trusting her voice Kathryn swallowed hard. After a moment she turned to B’Elanna suddenly wanting to talk to someone.

‘I can’t have children,’ she began in a choked voice. ‘Last week when I was injured on the bridge I had severe internal injuries and......I can’t have children anymore.’

B’Elanna felt tears well in her own eyes. ‘Kahless, and there’s me going on about kids and family, I’m so sorry.’

Kathryn wiped a tear from her face, trying to compose herself. ‘It’s ok, I’m...I will be fine. I accepted a while ago that I probably wouldn’t have the chance to have children now.’

‘Life’s a bitch sometimes,’ murmured B’Elanna shaking her head slightly. ‘Is it me or is it getting colder in here?’

‘Colder?’ replied Kathryn suddenly alert. ‘I thought it was getting warmer.’ She shuffled closer to Torres and realised that the younger woman had begun to shiver.

‘Nope, definitely colder,’ replied B’Elanna, her teeth beginning to chatter. Even as she spoke her vision began to blur and she blinked rapidly trying to focus.

‘Here take my jacket,’ urged Kathryn, removing the garment and wrapping it around Torres’s shoulders. She leaned forward and looked more closely at B’Elanna’s leg, though in the darkness it was hard to see the full extent of the damage. Leaning further she put her hand down on the carpet tiles and found them damp. In horror Kathryn realised the floor all around B’Elanna’s leg was soaked with blood.

‘Damn it’ she muttered under her breath, trying to force her own concussed mind to think clearly. 

‘It’s ok captain, I’ll be fine,’ said B’Elanna with some effort. Her breathing was becoming shallow and erratic and Kathryn felt fear starting to build in the back of her mind. She slapped her comm. Badge.

‘Janeway to Kim, any progress with the turbolifts?’

‘No, sorry captain. We should have transporters soon though.’

Kathryn swallowed hard, and massaged her pounding temples with her hands. 

‘Work quickly Harry, Janeway out.’

‘Captain....’

‘It’s ok I’m here.’ Kathryn put her hand on Torres’s trembling shoulder. ‘Try to hang on B’Elanna.’ She glanced up at the escape hatch in the ceiling of the lift. Even if she could manage to drag her own injured body up the lift shaft there was no way she could carry B’Elanna as well. 

‘What do you think the chances are of us being able to re-route power to this lift from here?’ she wondered out loud. Getting no response, she looked worriedly over her shoulder. B’Elanna’s eyes were closed and her head had drooped sideways. 

‘B’Elanna, wake up!’ cried Kathryn, grasping Torres’s shoulders and shaking her gently. ‘Don’t do this to me Lieutenant.’ 

Reaching out, she checking for a pulse and found nothing. Immediately she laid B’Elanna down on the floor and re-checked her breathing and pulse. Nothing.

‘Come on Kathryn,’ she told herself sternly, her vision blurred with tears. Carefully tipping back B’Elanna’s head she began CPR in earnest, ignoring the searing pain in her abdomen at every compression. 

‘You can’t die!’ she shouted tearfully. ‘Don’t you dare die, that’s an order!’

A second later the familiar feeling of the transporter engulfed the two women and Kathryn looked up as the Doctor appeared above her.

‘Help B’Elanna,’ was all she managed to croak out. Immediately the Doctor was shouting orders to several science officers, and Kathryn realised sickbay was full of people. Rising unsteadily to her feet she watched as a distraught Tom Paris shot over to B’Elanna’s bedside as the doctor applied a cortical stimulator to her forehead. The voices in sickbay seemed distant and muffled as Kathryn watched B’Elanna’s body convulse again and again. Tears began to pool in her eyes and she looked away trying to compose herself. Her gaze fell on two biobeds with two bodies covered completely in blue sheets; her two dead crew members. Her chest tightened and she stumbled backwards, suddenly fighting for air. She retreated into the Doctor’s office and sank down onto the floor gasping for breath, her back leaning against the wall. 

Her mind was swimming with images of B’Elanna’s lifeless body, the smiling faces of crewman Doyle and Ensign Rose burning, Mark laughing with his son, Chakotay’s pitying face, Ransom’s wild eyes........

She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her arms trying to block out the images. And then, all alone on the floor of sickbay, Voyager’s captain finally broke.


	5. Chapter 5

Tom Paris squeezed his unconscious wife’s hand with affection. It had been a close call but B’Elanna had pulled through and was going to make a full recovery. Sickbay had quietened down considerably now with all the minor injuries having been treated, leaving just B’Elanna, himself and the Doctor alone. 

‘Tom?’

He glanced down and smiled at B’Elanna as her eyes slowly opened.

‘Hey you, how are you feeling?’

B’Elanna grimaced. ‘Terrible. How’s the captain?’

‘The captain?’ frowned Tom. ‘I haven’t seen her.’

Looking suddenly more awake B’Elanna stared at Paris. 

‘She was injured, she had a cut on her head and seemed disorientated and in pain and-’  
‘Woah, calm down B’E, you need to rest,’ said Tom firmly. ‘I’ll find the captain, you know what she’s like, she’s probably on the bridge!’

‘Fine, just make sure she’s ok,’ replied B’Elanna drowsily.

Tom kissed her forehead then moved over to the EMH who was entering data into a console on the far side of sickbay.

‘Doc, did you treat Captain Janeway?’ he asked.

‘Not today,’ replied the EMH dryly. ‘Why, what potentially life-threatening injury is she ignoring now?’

‘Never mind,’ sighed Tom with a raised eyebrow. He started towards the doors.

‘Computer, locate Captain Janeway.’

‘Captain Janeway is in sickbay.’

Tom frowned and glanced around. ‘Computer, verify the location of Captain Janeway.’

‘Captain Janeway is in sickbay.’

Turning around slowly, Tom again looked around sickbay. B’Elanna was sleeping and the Doc was still occupied, but there was no one else. Unless...

Tom walked towards the EMH’s office and came to a halt in the doorway. The captain was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. Deep concern rose in Tom’s throat as he crouched down next to her and gently put a hand on her shoulder.

‘Captain,’ he said gently.

Slowly, Janeway lifted her head and Tom realised his concern had been warranted. Her face was streaked with tears and her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying for some time. Her face was deathly pale and as B’Elanna had said she had a nasty gash on her forehead which was surrounded by dried blood and starting to bruise.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked softly, instantly thinking what a stupid question; obviously she wasn’t alright.

Janeway didn’t even make eye contact, instead she just shook her head slightly, a new wave of tears flowing down her ashen cheeks. Tom squeezed her shoulder gently as he felt panic starting to rise in his throat. 

‘Are you hurt captain?’

After a moment she glanced at him briefly and swallowed hard. ‘Yeah.’

The relief at hearing Janeway reply to him was immense.

‘I’ll get the doctor,’ Tom told her, but she didn’t acknowledge he had spoken, her gazing having returned to the floor.

Tom left the office and hurried over to the EMH.

‘Doc, we have a serious problem,’ he said in a hushed voice.

‘What are you talking about?’ replied the Doctor, not looking up from the console he was working on.

‘I think....I think the captain is having some sort of emotional breakdown.’

This got the EMH’s attention and he immediately spun around to face Tom.

‘Where is she?’

Tom took the Doctor’s arm and led him into his office. He knew it would be a while before he forgot the EMH’s look of horror as he saw the state Janeway was in. He picked up a tricorder and knelt next to Janeway.

‘Captain, do you know where you are?’

‘Sickbay,’ whispered Kathryn through her tears.

‘You have a severe concussion and you have ruptured some of your surgical scars,’ the Doctor told her gently. ‘And you are completely exhausted. We need to get you onto a biobed so I can treat you.’

‘Do you think you can walk captain?’ asked Tom softly. The Doctor glanced at Tom, realising that seeing his captain in this state was obviously difficult for him.

Janeway nodded and slowly pushed herself up off the floor. Tom grabbed her arm as she swayed on her feet, but she gently shrugged him off and walked out of the office towards a biobed. After sharing a worried glance, Tom and the Doctor followed her.

‘I’m going to sedate you so I can repair your surgical scars,’ the EMH told Janeway as she lay down on the bed. He received no reply and looked helplessly at Tom. The Doctor pressed a hypospray against her neck and her eye drifted closed releasing one last stream of tears.

‘What the hell happened?’ exclaimed Tom as soon as Janeway was asleep. ‘I’ve never seen the captain cry let alone lose it completely!’

The Doctor shook his head distractedly. ‘I’m sure the concussion and exhaustion played a part, and I know she’s been under a lot of pressure lately. Being trapped in a turbolift with a dying crew member can’t have been very nice for her, especially after losing two crewmen already today.’

‘I guess,’ murmured Tom. ‘It was just a shock to see her look so....vulnerable. I mean she’s the captain, she’s always so strong and optimistic.’

‘The captain may appear that way,’ agreed the Doctor. ‘But she has a crew of 140 people who look to her for strength and lean on her day after day. The must be hard to maintain, especially after six years.’

Tom swallowed hard. ‘She’ll be ok, right?’

The Doctor put a hand on Tom’s shoulder. ‘Try not to worry, she’s in good hands.’


	6. Chapter 6

B’Elanna let out a groan as she opened her eyes and immediately clamped them shut again. 

‘Ah, Lieutenant you’re awake.’

Slowly opening her eyes again, she glared at the Doctor.

‘Does it have to be so bright in here?’ she complained gruffly.

‘As a matter of fact, it does,’ replied the EMH dryly. ‘I’ve only just finished treating the captain.’

At the mention of Janeway B’Elanna sat up slightly a surveyed her commanding officer sleeping on the neighbouring biobed. 

‘Is she ok?’

‘Physically she’ll be fine,’ replied the Doctor simply. 

‘Physically?’

The Doctor looked at Torres thoughtfully.

‘How did the captain seem in the turbolift?’

B’Elanna frowned. ‘She seemed...like the captain. I guess she was a bit down but that was my fault for being my usual tactful self.’

‘What did you say to her?’ asked the Doctor curiously. ‘What was it that made her upset?’

‘I asked her advice about having kids,’ admitted B’Elanna regretfully. ‘I didn’t know about her injuries last week and it was obviously pretty raw in her mind.’

‘She told you about her injuries?’

‘She told me she couldn’t have children anymore if that’s what you mean.’

The EMH sighed heavily.

‘Why are you asking me this?’ asked B’Elanna suddenly. ‘What happened?’

The Doctor hesitated before answering. ‘Mr Paris found the captain in rather a distressed state. She had serious injuries but I believe the stress of recent weeks may also have taken its toll.’

‘Damn,’ whispered B’Elanna angrily. ‘It’s just not fair.’

‘No, it’s not.’ 

The Doctor picked up his mobile emitter and placed it on his arm. ‘I have to make a house call, I’ll be back shortly.’ He hesitated and looked back. ‘I shouldn’t really have told you anything about the captain’s condition, but I thought maybe she would appreciate someone to talk to. But please keep what I told you to yourself.’

B’Elanna nodded her acknowledgement and watched the doctor leave. She hated being in sickbay, feeling weak and helpless, although she had to admit this time she was just happy to be alive. 

A movement to her left caught her eye and she realised the captain was waking up. 

‘Captain?’

Janeway slowly her opened her eyes and turned her head.

'B'Elanna, how are you?'

Torres felt herself smile. 'I'm fine.....how are you feeling?'

Janeway looked at her hands. 'You heard what happened.'

B’Elanna slid off her biobed and perched on the edge of her captain’s.

'Don't be angry with the Doctor, I think he is genuinely concerned about you,' offered B'Elanna. ‘We’ve been through a hell of a lot recently and it's bound to affect us all at some point.'

Kathryn had to smile. ‘Maybe you’re right, but I should never have let myself lose control like that, not in front of the crew.’

‘I don’t think Tom and the Doc count as ‘the crew’,’ assured B’Elanna with a raised eyebrow. ‘And I’m so sorry for upsetting you in the turbolift. I feel terrible.’

‘The part where you nearly died was more upsetting,’ replied Kathryn reaching out to grasp B’Elanna’s hand. ‘You mean a lot to me, all of you. The thought of losing you....’

Kathryn’s voice trailed off, and B’Elanna just nodded slightly.

‘Anyway, I think I needed to tell someone about what happened,’ continued Kathryn more firmly. ‘I hadn’t dealt with it at all, however much I told myself I had accepted that I would never have children and a family I really hadn’t. Seeing Mark and seeing his baby son reminded me what my life might be like now and it hurt more than I ever thought it would.’

As she spoke more and more emotion crept into her voice and B’Elanna squeezed her hand tightly. 

Kathryn swallowed hard and managed to compose herself. ‘I think I needed to mourn for the family I could have had.’ She admitted quietly.

‘For what it’s worth, you’ve been like a mother to me, and as far as I’m concerned you are my family.’ B’Elanna told her sincerely.

Kathryn gazed at her chief engineer’s expression and saw so much of herself staring back. She and B’Elanna were very alike in many ways; they were both intelligent and confident, both acted on impulse, both liked to bury their emotions and put on a strong front, and both were fiercely loyal and passionate.

Without a word Kathryn moved forward and pulled B’Elanna into an embrace.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered into B’Elanna’s ear.

‘B’Elanna pulled back in surprise. ‘What for captain?’

‘For being you.’

Sickbay’s doors swished open and the Doctor strode in, his eyebrows rising as he observed the two women on the biobed.

‘I see you’re awake captain, how are you feeling?’

‘Drained,’ admitted Kathryn with a wan smile. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my life, I didn’t know how exhausting it is.’

‘Let’s hope you never have to go through that again,’ said the EMH seriously. ‘Captain you have to take better care of yourself, both physically and mentally. You were exhausted and you hadn’t eaten for over twelve hours.’

‘Yes Doctor,’ replied Kathryn sharing a glance with B’Elanna. ‘I’m sorry you had to see me like that, and I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk to you about... my injuries. I know you only wanted to help me.’

The Doctor’s expression softened. ‘I just worry about you captain.’

‘We all do,’ added B’Elanna.

‘Lieutenant Torres you are almost as bad at taking care of yourself as the captain,’ replied the Doctor dryly. ‘Maybe you two should listen to your own advice now and again.’

Faced with glares from both women the Doctor decided to retreat to his office. Just before he crossed the threshold he turned back.

‘Lieutenant, you are free to return to your quarters as long as you rest for at least 48 hours. I know how much you hate being here.’

B’Elanna threw the EMH a dirty look before turning back to Kathryn.

‘I should leave you alone to rest,’ she said jumping off the bed. 

‘You’re leaving me here?’ asked Kathryn in mock disbelief. B’Elanna grinned.

‘Sorry captain.’ She hesitated. ‘Would you like to have dinner with me some time? Maybe we can work on that talking thing the Doctor seems so fond of.’

Kathryn smiled back. ‘I’d like that.’


	7. Chapter 7

Several hours later;

Chakotay had finally managed to escape from the bridge and was heading to sickbay. He knew Kathryn had been hurt but the strange look on Tom’s face as he evaded his questions about the exact nature of her injuries had concerned him. His relationship with Kathryn had been strained recently but he still cared about her deeply and he had to see she was ok.

He entered sickbay to the sound of voices.

‘Captain, coffee is the last thing you need-’

‘Just one damn cup, how much harm can that do?’

The Doctor met Chakotay’s gaze. ‘Maybe you can talk some sense into her.’

Chakotay smiled as the Doctor disappeared into his office muttering under his breath.

‘I don’t suppose you want to get me a coffee?’ asked Kathryn sweetly.

‘Not a chance,’ replied Chakotay with a grin. He surveyed her appearance. ‘You look awful.’

Kathryn glared at him. ‘Thanks!’

He sat down on the end of the bed just as Torres had done. ‘What happened? Tom said you were injured but he wouldn’t tell me details, he seemed a bit shaken up though.’

‘I had a severe concussion and some internal damage,’ she began lightly. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘A concussion?’ frowned Chakotay. He looked at Kathryn and could immediately tell she was hiding something. He took her hand in his. ‘What aren’t you telling me?’

Sighing, Kathryn looked down at her hands. She was terrible at keeping things from Chakotay, it scared her sometimes how well he could read her. 

‘I was trapped in a turbolift with B’Elanna and she almost died. We were beamed here and I saw the bodies of Doyle and Rose, and...I think that on top of me not sleeping and being injured, it just all got to me.’ She paused watching Chakotay’s reaction. ‘I sat on the floor on the Doctor’s office and cried for hours.’

‘You cried?’ Chakotay repeated in disbelief. A hurt expression flitted across Kathryn’s face and he shook himself mentally. ‘Kathryn, what’s going on?’

She gazed into his hazel eyes and saw only concern and compassion, but the late night conversation about Equinox in her quarters had made her wary of talking to him. The thought of damaging their relationship further scared her more than she would admit even to herself. 

‘I actually had a great talk with B’Elanna.’

‘About the Equinox?’

Immediately Kathryn’s heart clenched. She couldn’t keep trying to explain this to him.

‘No. About other things. Family and home and....and it was really nice.’

‘Do you not think you’re still avoiding the issue?’ pressed Chakotay, determined to get her to talk. ‘If what happened with Lessing is affecting you this much-’

‘It’s not about Lessing!’ yelled Kathryn in frustration. ‘God Chakotay, you say you want to talk but you don’t even listen to what I’m saying!’

‘Kathryn, calm down,’ pleaded Chakotay nervously glancing towards the EMH’s office. ‘You know you’re having nightmares about this, so it obviously is about the Equinox in part.’

Kathryn licked her lips and tried to calm herself before she spoke again. ‘It is, it’s about Ransom and his choices.’

‘And your choices as well?’

There was a pause.

‘Get out.’

Chakotay stared at her thinking he must have misheard.

‘Kathryn-’

‘Get out!’ she shouted angrily. 

‘Commander, maybe it would be best if you left.’

Chakotay looked at the EMH then back at Kathryn who he could tell was fighting back tears.

‘I’m sorry,’ he told her quietly, before turning and leaving sickbay.

The Doctor watched the commander exit sickbay before turning slowly back towards his captain. She was staring at the closed doors, her eyes shining with unshed tears. 

‘These nightmares you’ve been having,’ he began tentatively. ‘Are they the reason you’re so exhausted?’

She glanced at him and the despair on her face made his holographic heart clench painfully.

‘I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I can’t talk to anybody...’

‘You can talk to me!’ urged the EMH. ‘Captain I may only be a hologram but I talk my role as physician very seriously and anything we talk about will be completely confidential.’

‘It’s not that....I just don’t think I can explain it very well,’ she told him dejectedly. ‘I tried to tell Chakotay about my nightmares, but he just doesn’t want to hear it. He’s too close to this emotionally and he has his own feelings and issues about it.’ She shook her head and laughed bitterly. ‘I don’t blame him either after what I did, how I acted towards him.’

The Doctor pulled up a chair and sat down. ‘Try and explain it to me,’ he told her kindly. ‘Tell me everything and I promise not to interrupt or jump to any conclusions, I’ll just listen.’

Kathryn eyed him unconvinced. She knew she needed to get this off her chest and talking to B’Elanna had been surprisingly therapeutic. It was apparent Chakotay wasn’t the person to help her with this, and she knew this was adding to her distress. She took a steadying breath and licked her lips.

‘When we first found the Equinox and its crew it was like someone had lifted an incredible weight off me. All of a sudden we had two ships, two crews, and most importantly two captains.’ She glanced at the EMH who nodded encouragingly. ‘Two captains. Someone to share command with and someone who was actually my equal. As I started to get to know Ransom it felt like my life was suddenly mine again, I felt free and more positive than I have for a hell of a long time. And then all that was ripped away from me and it felt like someone had punched me in the gut.’ Her voice was starting to waver and she was trying desperately not to cry. ‘Everything I have fought for, everything that I’ve sacrificed and endured, and he had just taken the easy option. He’d given in and I hated him more than I have ever hated anyone or anything in my life.’ The venom in her voice caused the Doctor to recoil slightly. ‘How dare he put my ship at risk when we’d survived so long following the rules and laws that keep us human whilst he had thrown the book out the window without even trying? I had to stop him, I had to, I just-’

Her voice gave up as a small sob escaped her lips and she covered her mouth with her hand.

‘I can’t even imagine what that must have been like,’ said the Doctor gently. 

‘It was like I was dreaming,’ she admitted tearfully. ‘I knew I was doing these things; letting the aliens have Lessing, relieving Chakotay of duty, but it was like I was watching someone else. The truth is I could see some of myself in Ransom and that scared the hell out of me. Stopping him was like assuring myself that I didn’t have to become that.’ She met the Doctor’s eyes. ‘I felt so alone and so isolated and...I just couldn’t stop.’ Her face crumpled and she bit her lip as the EMH handed her a tissue.

‘Captain we all do things we regret under pressure. At the end of the day you saved your crew, you saved some of the Equinox crew and we’re all here today because of you.’ He smiled at her. ‘Your methods may have been...misguided, perhaps, but you saved this crew, again.’

‘I don’t know if I saved myself,’ she whispered, tears finally creeping down her pallid cheeks. ‘I think Kathryn got lost somewhere along the way.’

‘Maybe she did for a while, but I think she just found her way back,’ the Doctor told her gently. ‘The Equinox obviously had a profound effect on you and in my professional opinion I would say you're suffering from post traumatic stress disorder'.

Kathryn considered this silently for a moment then nodded slightly.

‘Is that why I can’t stop these damn tears?’ she asked, a small smile creeping onto her face.

‘It may be, captain’ He furrowed his brow slightly deciding whether to broach another sensitive subject. ‘Captain, do you want to talk about your relationship with Commander Chakotay?’

Kathryn stared at him for a second then burst out laughing, startling the EMH.

‘Sorry Doctor,’ she said eventually as her laughter subsided. ‘It’s just my relationship with Chakotay is.... well let’s just say it’s complicated.’

‘You’re close friends?’ prodded the Doctor.

Sighing loudly, Kathryn shrugged her shoulders. ‘We were, we used to be so close I told him everything. I still trust him implicitly and I care for him deeply, but it’s just not the same anymore.’

‘Since the Equinox?’

She shook her head. ‘Before that. I think we started pulling back from each other after we disagreed about the Borg alliance and we’ve argued so much.’

‘Have any of your arguments been about things other than work?’

Kathryn considered this for a moment. ‘No, although our work lives and personal lives are somewhat intertwined.’

‘I see.’

‘In the first few years when we were getting to know each other it was much easier; work was work and socialising was fun. We used to go to the holodeck, take shore leave together, share jokes on the bridge when we thought no one was looking.’ A grin spread across her face. ‘I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have got stuck out here with a first officer like him.’

At that declaration the Doctor raised his eyebrows. ‘Forgive me captain, but you make it sound like your relationship was more than platonic.’

She met his eyes and smiled again. ‘You know in some ways it was. I mean we were never involved romantically but the feelings were there, the spark was there.’

‘The spark?’

‘You know, when someone walks in a room and your stomach lurches or they touch your hand and it’s like electricity running up your arm.’ She ran a hand through her hair wistfully. ‘We had that and we both knew it; we flirted mercilessly and Chakotay virtually told me he loved him once, but we both knew it couldn’t happen. So eventually I guess we both accepted that we were just friends and that’s it.’

The Doctor noted how her tone had become more depressed and he frowned in concern. ‘That can’t have been an easy thing to accept.’

‘Just one more thing I buried deep inside,’ admitted Kathryn sadly. ‘I always thought we’d be close friends if nothing else but now...I look into his eyes and it’s like looking at a different person.’

‘Do you think he thinks the same when he looks into your eyes?’

‘I’m certain of it.’ She whispered. 

The EMH stood up and put his hand on Kathryn’s shoulder. ‘When you get out of here you’re taking two weeks off.’ She opened her mouth to protest but he kept talking. ‘I'm going to spend every spare minute researching how I can help you with your PTSD and I'd like you to come to sickbay any time you feel in any way upset or overwhelmed. Also, I heard you arrange dinner with Lieutenant Torres and I think that’s an excellent idea for both of you. But I also think you should arrange to spend some time with Chakotay.’

‘I’m not sure he would agree to that,’ replied Kathryn uncertainly.

The Doctor smiled kindly at her. ‘I’m sure he will.’


	8. Chapter 8

Kathryn Janeway stared at her reflection in the mirror almost satisfied with what she saw. It had been two days since the doctor had released her from sickbay with strict orders to take some time off, and for once she almost agreed with him. No one had been more shocked by her sudden outpouring of emotion than Kathryn herself and she still felt a little vulnerable. His diagnosis of PTSD had in one way been a shock but, in another way, it was a relief. She had had the first good night’s sleep she’d had in months following her conversation with the Doctor and as a result she looked slightly more alive than before.

She turned and grabbed her brush off her dresser and ran it through her hair. B’Elanna had kept to her word and had invited her captain over for dinner. Weirdly, Kathryn found herself apprehensive; she wasn’t used to spending one on one time socially with the crew, except Chakotay. She hoped B’Elanna was feeling less nervous about spending time with her captain.  
………………………………………………………………………..

B’Elanna hurriedly grabbed the many pads scattered all over the dining table and threw them in a drawer. She began setting the table, hoping the captain wouldn’t be early. It had taken her almost an hour to convince Tom to go away for the evening so she and the captain could talk properly and as a result she was behind in her dinner preparations. 

Just as she set two glasses on the table the door chime sounded. She took one last glance around then turned to face the doors.

‘Come in.’

Kathryn stepped over the threshold and smiled at her host. 

‘I just saw Tom and he said something about being abandoned?’

B’Elanna laughed and gestured for Kathryn to sit down. 

‘He can be such a drama queen. You look nice by the way, green really suits you.’

‘Thanks,’ replied Kathryn in surprise. ‘It’s nice to be out of uniform for once.’

‘Yeah, sometimes it feels like I live in that thing.’

Kathryn accepted a glass of wine from B’Elanna and took a sip. ‘I hope you haven’t gone to any trouble,’ she said lightly. ‘I hate cooking!’

‘Me too,’ admitted B’Elanna. ‘So is replicated pasta ok with you?’

‘Sounds lovely,’ grinned Kathryn.

‘It’s Tom’s mother’s recipe,’ continued B’Elanna as she lifted a large dish from the replicator. ‘According to Tom she’s a great cook.’

‘As I recall she makes excellent soufflés,’ replied Kathryn wistfully. 

B’Elanna stopped spooning pasta onto Kathryn’s plate and stared at her. ‘You know Tom’s mother?’

‘Not very well, I had dinner at the Paris’s a few times.’ Kathryn paused and smiled at the memories. ‘Owen and I go back a long way; he was my thesis supervisor at the academy and I served under him as a young officer. He was a big influence in my life, especially after my father died.’

B’Elanna finished dishing up and sat down slowly. ‘I had no idea. Tom rarely talks about his father or his family.’

‘I know, it’s such a shame. All Owen could talk about when I first met him was Tom and what an amazing pilot he was.’ Kathryn took a bite of pasta and made an appreciative noise. ‘This is wonderful.’

‘Is that why you chose Tom to help you capture us?’ inquired B’Elanna, genuinely interested in her husband’s past.

Kathryn set down her fork and reached for her glass, running a finger thoughtfully around the rim. ‘It was one of the reasons. I knew he was an exceptional pilot who had knowledge of the Maquis and the Badlands.’ She took a sip of wine. ‘But I also knew he was Owen’s son. Yes, he had made some mistakes but I thought he deserved a second chance and I wanted to help him.’

‘You have a thing for lost causes don’t you,’ laughed B’Elanna, and Kathryn gave her a mock glare.

‘I just think that no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, and everyone deserves to be given the chance to redeem themselves,’ shrugged Kathryn.

B’Elanna smiled and dropped her gaze to the table. ‘We’re all grateful you know.’

‘What for?’

‘For giving us our lives back,’ replied B’Elanna earnestly. ‘What you have created on Voyager is amazing.’

‘I don’t think it’s anything to do with me,’ smiled Kathryn.

‘That’s a shame because everyone else thinks it’s all to do with you.’

Kathryn met B’Elanna’s gaze in stunned silence. After a moment she smiled slightly.

‘Thank you, but I’m sure some of the crew would disagree.’

‘Yeah, Tuvok thinks it’s all down to him,’ replied B’Elanna dryly. Kathryn laughed gently.

‘You’re not good at taking compliments, are you?’ observed B’Elanna. 

‘And you are?’ shot back Kathryn with a knowing smile.

‘Chakotay to Janeway.’

Kathryn rolled her eyes in disbelief as her comm. Badge chirped into life.

‘Janeway here.’

‘Captain, I have a stack load of reports here that I can deal with, I just wanted to check you were ok with me taking care of them-’

‘Chakotay you don’t have to inform me of every decision you make. I trust you.’

There was a pause.

‘I know Kathryn, but I don’t want you to feel left out whilst you’re...recuperating.’

Kathryn glanced at B’Elanna and raised an eyebrow.

‘I appreciate your concern, but if that’s all I’d like to get back to my dinner with B’Elanna.’

‘Of course, sorry to bother you, Chakotay out.’

B’Elanna watched curiously as Kathryn absent-mindedly pushed her remaining dinner around her plate.

‘So you and Chakotay have had an argument then?’

Kathryn’s head snapped up. ‘What makes you say that?’

At Janeway’s hard tone B’Elanna hesitated. ‘It...it’s usually quite obvious.’

Gradually, Kathryn’s expression softened as the younger woman’s words sunk in.

‘I had no idea we were that easy to read,’ she replied with a tight smile. 

‘After six years I think we can all read each other quite well,’ offered B’Elanna. ‘And besides, you and Chakotay are terrible at hiding when you’ve fallen out.’ 

Kathryn felt both eyebrow’s raise at B’Elanna’s boldness, but she found herself enjoying someone being so honest with her. She sighed loudly.

‘We’re not on the best of terms at the moment,’ she admitted with a shake of her head. ‘We’ve both said some things that....’ Her voice trailed off and she sighed again.

‘You always make up though,’ said B’Elanna, noting the air of sadness that had settled over her captain. 

Kathryn glanced up, feeling her throat constrict. ‘Yes, of course we will.' But deep down she was far from convinced...

.................................................................................................................................

Several hours later Kathryn hugged B’Elanna goodnight and headed to the mess hall. She knew it would be deserted at this hour and she found the empty space helped her to relax and collect her thoughts. She and B’Elanna had talked for hours about Voyager, about the crew, about home. Thankfully, B’Elanna had rapidly changed the subject away from Chakotay after her obvious unease and she had found herself gradually relaxing and enjoying the company of another woman for once. 

She strode into sickbay and headed straight to the replicator.

‘Coffee, black.’

‘You shouldn’t be drinking coffee at this hour captain.’

Kathryn smiled to herself as she picked up her mug and turned around.

‘Is that so?’

Tom smiled back at her as she came to sit next to him on a sofa facing the viewports. 

‘You know you can go back to your quarters now,’ she told him dryly.

‘I wouldn’t want to get in the way of B’Elanna tidying up,’ grinned Tom, and Kathryn laughed before taking a swig of coffee.

‘I meant it, you shouldn’t drink that this late!’ scolded Tom, though he was still smiling.

Kathryn swallowed and looked at Tom in disbelief. ‘Has the Doctor put you up to this? Because normally even he doesn’t dare try and take my caffeine away!’

Tom’s smile faded slightly. ‘No captain, I’m....I just worry about you.’

‘Oh Tom, you shouldn’t-’

‘Seeing you upset in sickbay...it broke my heart,’ admitted Tom quietly. ‘When I think of what you’ve done for me, what you’ve done for all of us, and that you’re so unhappy.....it’s just not right.’

Kathryn’s voice momentarily deserted her so she reached out and squeezed Tom’s hand. Eventually she looked up at Tom then out at the stars streaking past.

‘You know you’re right, I wasn’t in a good way in sickbay… sometimes this does all get on top of me.’ She paused trying to think of the right words to express herself. ‘But then I walk out onto that bridge, and I see all of you at your stations, all working towards our goal. And then someone will crack a joke and we’ll all laugh.’ She glanced at Tom who was smiling out at the stars. ‘And I realise that what we have is so special and so precious that I can’t help feeling happy and reinvigorated, and all that hope that seeped away in the dark hours comes flooding back.’

She took a sip of coffee.

‘You should never have had to see me like that Tom, but believe me when I say I’m not unhappy all the time.’ She smiled reassuringly at him. ‘I had had the two weeks from hell, I was exhausted and concussed....and yes I was incredibly upset. I know I don’t look after myself very well sometimes, I guess I’m just better at looking after other people!’

Tom suddenly felt very honoured that Janeway felt comfortable enough with him to be so honest and turned to round on the sofa to face her.

‘Never feel that we don’t appreciate you captain,’ he told her earnestly. ‘And we’d love to see you more off duty because....well, you’re actually pretty awesome.’

Kathryn laughed out loud and Tom grinned that grin that helped him get out of many a telling off. 

‘Thanks, I’ll try to grace you with my awesomeness more often!’

‘I hope you do,’ replied Tom in a more serious tone. He stood up and stretched. ‘I should get home and sleep, and so should you!’

‘I will, I promise.’


	9. Chapter 9

The lights flickered above her head momentarily illuminating the dark corridor. Her heart was hammering in her chest and all she could hear was her own ragged breathing. Slowly she crept forward in the darkness, trying to avoid the debris littered on the floor. A shower of sparks made her whip around, phaser grasped in her trembling hands. Then she heard it; the faint screeching that filled every fibre of her being with dread. She turned on her heel and started running down the corridor as fast as she could. But the screeching was catching her, coming closer and closer...

‘You can’t escape...’

The rasping voice in her ear caused her to cry out in shock, and she staggered backwards against the bulkhead. 

‘He’ll never forgive you for what you did, you might as well let them devour what’s left of you.’

She took off running down the corridor but with every step they were gaining on her. With every last ounce of strength she could muster she dived for the turbolift and...

Kathryn’s eyes flew open as she landed on the floor of her bedroom in a tangle of sheets. It took a few seconds for her to realise she had been dreaming and only then did her racing heart start to slow. Pushing herself into a sitting position she yelped in pain as she put weight on her right wrist.

‘Brilliant,’ she hissed sarcastically to herself as she realised she must have landed awkwardly on her arm. It was only then she noticed the now familiar feeling of tears on her face and Ransom’s words flooded back into her mind.

‘He’ll never forgive you.’

She stood up quickly, grabbed her bath robe and strode out of her quarters.

Kathryn entered sickbay incredibly glad she had passed no one on the way. If she had been thinking clearly, she never would have left her quarters in the state she was in and the fact she had done scared her.

‘Captain?’

She turned, cradling her injured wrist and smiled weakly at the EMH.

‘Got time for a late night patient?’ Her effort to put some humour into the situation failed miserably.

The Doctor put a hand on her shoulder and steered her gently towards a biobed. As she sat down he reached for a tricorder and scanned her wrist.

‘You have a hairline fracture,’ he informed her. ‘It won’t take a minute to heal.’

Kathryn sat in silence as the Doctor lightly held her wrist and ran some device over the fracture. She knew from previous experience that she looked like hell and she also knew that the fact she had come to sickbay willingly was a clear sign to the Doctor that something wasn’t right.

‘Do you want to tell me how this happened?’ he asked, taking a seat next to her.

She glanced sideways at him and sighed. ‘I dived for a turbolift and ended up on my bedroom floor.’

‘You were having nightmares again?’

‘Yeah,’ she replied dejectedly. ‘You know I had a great evening with B’Elanna and a good talk with Tom, I really thought I was starting to get over this...whatever it is.’

The Doctor smiled sympathetically. ‘This isn’t something that you can fix overnight captain. You have no idea how much I wish we had a counsellor on board. The fact you’re talking to me about it, though, is a giant step forward.’

Kathryn nodded, but something was niggling at the back of her mind.

‘It is, but I don’t think it’s you I should be talking to.’

The EMH’s brow furrowed in confusion.

‘The nightmare was different today,’ she confessed quietly. ‘It was still the Equinox aliens chasing me and still Ransom’s voice, but what he was saying...’

She shivered slightly and the memory and the Doctor put a comforting hand on her arm.

‘Go on captain, it’s ok.’

‘He said ‘He’ll never forgive you.’

The EMH absorbed this silently for a moment, instantly knowing who ‘he’ was.

‘You’ve not managed to talk to the commander then?’ he asked softly.

Kathryn shook her head silently, letting her tired eyes slip closed.

‘Are you ok?’

She laughed sadly and jumped of the bed, starting to pace.

‘No Doctor I’m not ok. I can’t stop crying, I feel like I have no control over my emotions, and I’ve lost him, I’ve lost him, and I don’t know how to make him forgive me!’ Kathryn gazed at the EMH, almost pleading with him to tell her how to make things right. ‘We can’t even have a conversation; it just turns into an argument and we end up further apart than when we started.’

‘Have you tried writing to him?’

Kathryn blinked wordlessly. ‘Writing to him?’

The EMH had to smile at her reaction. ‘Yes captain, writing to him. Tell him everything you have told me, plus the things you would only tell him. Be honest and open and I guarantee you it will make things better.’

‘I guess it can’t get much worse,’ she admitted. ‘Maybe I will write to him.’

The Doctor nodded, never taking his eyes off his captain’s drawn face.

‘I have to be honest captain, I’m very worried about you.’

Kathryn looked fondly at the holographic man in front of her. 

‘Doctor, I’ll be fine-’

‘So you keep saying,’ interrupted the Doctor. ‘But here you are again. You look dreadful captain and as for your mental health at the moment...part of me feels I should have made you take substantially more than two weeks off.’

Silently, Kathryn took a step towards the Doctor, her gaze firm and steady.

‘I know I’m acting out of character and I’m...a little all over the place. But the only time I feel like myself is when I’m on that bridge, giving orders.’ She took a deep breath. ‘The moment I feel like I am unable to captain this ship I promise I will tell you.’

The EMH considered this for a moment, before nodding, although he looked highly unconvinced.

‘Please get some rest captain.’

‘Yes Doctor.’


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Chakotay,

I feel more than a little silly writing to you when I know you’re probably in the next room right now, but somehow I think I might be able to explain myself better this way. Firstly, I want to apologize to you for how I’ve been acting. I haven’t been much of a captain recently and I know you’ve taken on a lot of my work, so thank you.   
Secondly, I want to explain my nightmares to you, although as this is what we keep falling out over I’m unsure as to how to begin. I suppose I should start at the source; the Equinox. I know what I did to Lessing appalled you and frankly I appalled myself, but my nightmares aren’t about Lessing. They’re about Ransom. You know some days I sit in my quarters and I’m so lonely it hurts. What hurts me more is that I know I’ve chosen to live this way and to stick to Starfleet rules and because of that I have sentenced myself to this life. But when we encountered Ransom, the reason I stick to those rules became crystal clear. I envied him you know. His close relationship with his crew, how friendly he was with them. But at what cost? Chakotay, I looked into Ransom’s eyes and I saw parts of myself staring back, both good and bad. He had taken a step too far and couldn’t go backwards, yet in the end even he knew deep down what he was doing was wrong.   
I’m rambling, I’m sorry. What I did during the whole incident with the Equinox was take a step too far but somehow I managed to claw my way back. Just. I scared myself and ever since I have been terrified of what I might do to get this crew home, how far I would go, who I might become. In my nightmares I hear Ransom’s voice telling me I can’t escape and maybe he’s right. Maybe I can’t escape becoming bitter and hardened because maybe that’s what I have to do to survive. But god Chakotay I want to try. I’ve missed you so much recently, you mean so much to me and the thought of losing you as my friend scares me more than anything else. I don’t know why everything suddenly got too much for me last week but I found myself sobbing my heart out on the floor of sickbay being comforted by Tom and I knew something had finally given in.  
I am only human Chakotay. I am a lonely, middle aged woman who loves her crew dearly but understands they can never care for me in the same way. I am their captain, and I will always be captain to them. That’s how it should be. But I knew I could survive as long as I had my best friend beside me. And then I did something stupid and unforgivable and suddenly my life seemed a whole lot less bright. I know I hurt you and you know you’ve hurt me. Maybe we just know how to hurt each other a little too well. Anyway, I’d love it if we could talk. I promise not to scream and shout although there might be tears as I seem to be crying at everything at the moment.

Yours,  
Kathryn.

Chakotay set down the padd tears glistening in his own eyes. He had been so angry at her that he’d completely ignored how much she was struggling. He was so used to her being so strong and forceful that sometimes he forgot the passionate woman he had got to know in the early years.

‘You’re an idiot Chakotay.’ He mumbled to himself, massaging his forehead. ‘A complete idiot.’

He stood up a glanced around his quarters to locate his uniform jacket.

‘Computer locate Captain Janeway.’

‘Captain Janeway is in holodeck 1.’

...............................................................................................................................

The water gently lapped at the shore and she watched it intently, hypnotized by the repetitive motion. The warm breeze lifted her hair giving her a rare sense of calmness and she turned her face towards the sun. As soon as she had sent the letter to Chakotay she had instantly felt a weight evaporate from her. She had made the first move and she hoped upon hope he would read it and accept it, even if he still couldn’t understand.

‘Kathryn?’

Her eyes shot open at his voice but she didn’t turn to him, instead keeping her gaze fixed on the water. 

Chakotay watched her jump slightly as he said her name but she kept her back to him. He took a few tentative steps forward and sat down beside her his gaze also drawn out across the lake. 

‘Do you remember the last time we were here?’

Chakotay smiled at the question, somewhat relieved she was talking to him at all.

‘Yeah I remember. We had a moonlight sail after you nearly died on that planet.’

Kathryn looked at him for the first time since he had entered. ‘That was one of my happiest moments on Voyager.’ She told him in almost a whisper.

‘Mine too,’ replied Chakotay. ‘Although the hours before that sail were some of the worst moments of my life.’

‘Mine too,’ she shot back with a wry smile. They slipped into silence again.

Eventually Chakotay mustered up the courage to broach the subject they were both avoiding.

‘I got your letter.’

She turned away from him slightly as she braced herself mentally for his response.

‘Kathryn....I’m sorry.’

‘What for?’

‘For not realising how much you were struggling, for being so judgemental that I could see anything except my own anger….for not being there for you.’ His voice was suddenly so full of emotion that she had to look at him. 

‘It’s not your fault,’ she told him earnestly. ‘I know I shut off and pull away and I know I let you down...and I....’

‘You never let me down,’ Chakotay told her firmly as he saw the tears begin to pool in her eyes. ‘You could never let me down.’

Kathryn gazed into his dark brown eyes trying to stop her bottom lip trembling.

‘I’ve been so scared that I’d lost you,’ she whispered tearfully. ‘I can’t do this alone.’

Wordlessly Chakotay slipped an arm around her and pulled her close to him.

‘You think you could get rid of me that easily?’ he teased gently. ‘I will always be here for you.’

Shuffling round so she could see his face Kathryn looked at him with an odd expression on her face.

‘I know you will,’ she replied quietly. ‘It’s not the same though is it?’

Chakotay frowned slightly. ‘What’s not the same?’

‘Us, how we are with each other, it’s...it’s different to how it was.’

Staring deep into her blue eyes Chakotay couldn’t quite believe she wanted to have this conversation.

‘I’m not sure what you mean.’

She smiled at him, sure he knew exactly what she meant.

‘The spark’s gone.’

Chakotay felt himself smile back although there was sadness in his eyes.

‘Yeah, it has,’ he admitted softly. 

Kathryn sighed and looked at him affectionately.

‘If things had been different-’

‘Kathryn you don’t have to do this.’ Interrupted Chakotay softly. She grabbed his hands.

‘If things had been different that spark would have turned into something more. You know that as well as I do.’

All Chakotay could do was nod.

‘You are my best friend and I love you so much,’ she told him her voice once again choked with emotion. He reached out and touched her face with his hand.

‘Maybe when we get back to earth we can find a way to reignite that spark,’ he told her with a grin. ‘But until then I am honoured to be your best friend.

Kathryn leaned forwards and pulled him into a tight embrace. There was so much she wanted to tell him about what had happened to her over the past weeks but she found all she wanted to do right now was enjoy his company.

‘Fancy a sail?’ she mumbled into his shoulder. Chakotay laughed. ‘Sounds wonderful.’

.........................................................................................................................

Later that evening, Kathryn handed Chakotay his tea and sat down next to him on the sofa in her quarters.

Talking a deep breath, she swivelled round to face her first officer.

‘There are a few things I’d like to tell you, if that’s ok.’

Chakotay felt his heart break at the unsure look on her face. ‘Of course.’

Kathryn took a sip of coffee and stared at her mug.

‘The doctor thinks I have PTSD, and what happened in sickbay was basically an extended panic attack.’ She looked up to gauge his reaction.

Chakotay felt a lump forming in his throat as he absorbed her words.

‘Also, due to the injuries I sustained on the bridge last week, I can no longer carry a child.’ Kathryn barrelled on before Chakotay could speak. ‘I didn’t think I would be as upset as I am about that, but apparently some part of me hadn’t given up hope that one day-’

Chakotay had heard enough and pulled her into a fierce embrace. He held her tightly for a few moments before pulling back.

‘Thank you for telling me.’ His own voice shook with emotion.

Kathryn reached out and grasped his hand. ‘I just want you to understand, none of this has been about shutting you out, I just had no idea how to let you back in.’

Chakotay nodded slowly. ‘How bad is your PTSD?’

His question caught her off guard and she considered it for a moment.

‘It’s been pretty bad.’ She admitted. ‘I’ve barely been sleeping or eating. I think I’m very lucky the doctor hasn’t relieved me of duty completely.’ 

‘Spirits, Kathryn,’ replied Chakotay softly. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t-’

‘No.’ interrupted Kathryn firmly. ‘This is in no way down to anything you did or didn’t do.’ She smiled suddenly. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’

‘Me too.’

They sat in silence for a moment.

‘You know B’Elanna reckons she can always tell if we’ve had a disagreement?’

Chakotay laughed and shook his head. ‘I think we can all read each other pretty well by now.’

‘That’s exactly what she said,’ replied Kathryn with a grin. ‘I really enjoyed spending time with her, it’s something I should really do more of.’

‘Well I’m supposed to be meeting Tom and B’Elanna in the mess hall for dinner in 10 minutes, if you’d like to join us?’ offered Chakotay. ‘Or I can stay and have dinner with you?’

Kathryn stared at him for a moment, fighting her initial response to say no. 

‘Dinner in the mess hall sounds wonderful.’ She declared eventually.


	11. Chapter 11

Chakotay had just returned to his quarters after a lovely dinner with Kathryn, Tom and B’Elanna when his door chime rang.

‘Come in,’ he called. The doors slid open to reveal a hesitant looking Tom.

‘Can’t get enough of my company, Paris?’ he joked, gesturing for Tom to come in.

‘It’s definitely not that,’ shot back Tom, before his expression grew more serious.

‘Chakotay, you have no idea the difference in the Captain this evening. She looked 10 years younger than she did a few days ago, and I’m assuming that has something to do with you?’

Chakotay was taken aback by Tom being so bold but nodded slowly in agreement.

‘Kathryn and I spent some time together today and mended a few bridges, something that was long overdue’ he admitted.

‘If you had seen how she was in sickbay -’ Tom’s voice caught in his throat at the memory.

‘It’s alright Tom,’ Chakotay assured him. ‘She has many people looking out for her now.’

Tom nodded. ‘Good. Because I think she needs some looking after at the moment.’

‘She loves you like a little brother, you know that right?’

Stunned at Chakotay’s words Tom shook his head slightly. ‘I don’t think I had any idea how much she means to me until I saw her like that in sickbay.’

Chakotay grasped Tom’s shoulders. ‘She’ll be alright, we’ll make sure of it. We’ve got her.’

………………………………………………………………………………………..

In her quarters, Kathryn got ready for bed, slightly less apprehensive about sleep than she had been for a while. She looked over at the photo of her and Chakotay on her dresser and smiled. With him on her side everything suddenly seemed at lot less daunting. Knowing Tom and B’Elanna also knew how fragile she was at the moment was also strangely comforting. She made a mental note to take some time to talk to Tuvok, although she was certain he would already be aware she had been struggling. 

She got into bed and snuggled down under the blanket.

‘Computer, lights off.’

Epilogue

The lights flickered above her head, momentarily illuminating the dark corridor. Her heart was hammering in her chest and all she could hear was her own ragged breathing. Slowly she crept forward in the darkness, trying to avoid the debris littered on the floor. A shower of sparks made her whip around, phaser grasped in her trembling hands. Then she heard it; the faint screeching that filled every fibre of her being with dread. She turned on her heel and started running down the corridor as fast as she could. But the screeching was catching her, coming closer and closer...

‘You can’t escape...’

The rasping voice in her ear caused her to cry out in shock, and she staggered backwards against the bulkhead. 

‘You can run, but you’ll never escape.’

The screeching was becoming uncomfortably loud and she covered her ears with her hands, sinking to the floor. The ship began to shake and she looked up in horror as a spacial rift opened and the alien shot out straight towards her. She screamed and screamed and...... A phaser shot from behind her closed the rift and after a moment the ship quietened. She looked up at the hand being offered to her, and she grasped it tightly as it pulled her up off the deck. Chakotay smiled warmly at her.

‘I’ve got you.’

Fin


End file.
